


Three's a Crowd (Pleaser)

by Fallen_Star



Series: Come Together [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sasuke, Domestic Fluff, F/M, M/M, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6094815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Star/pseuds/Fallen_Star
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whoever came up with the ridiculous notion that domesticity is bliss never had to live with a clumsy, unorganised blonde idiot and a terrifyingly strong, hot-tempered doctor. Sasuke was quickly becoming aware that being forced to be around the same two people pretty much every hour of every day was effectively exhausting both his physical and mental health, and he knew something had to be done before his teenage homicidal tendencies came back to haunt him and Naruto and Sakura became another notch in his death-by-chidori bedpost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three's a Crowd (Pleaser)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is I'M SORRY

Whoever came up with the ridiculous notion that domesticity is bliss never had to live with a clumsy, unorganised blonde idiot and a terrifyingly strong, hot-tempered doctor. Sasuke was quickly becoming aware that being forced to be around the same two people pretty much every hour of every day was effectively exhausting both his physical and mental health, and he knew something had to be done before his teenage homicidal tendencies came back to haunt him and Naruto and Sakura became another notch in his death-by-chidori bedpost. There was once a time (way back when he first returned and found himself flinching at every well-meaning gesture either of the two made towards him and his isolated ways) that even thinking about turning a chattering, lightning infused arm their way would have resulted in deep breathing exercises and a guilty conscience a mile wide, but now it became regular occurrence for him to contemplate these things every time Naruto left his gross socks on the kitchen floor, or every time Sakura felt the need to let various foodstuffs rot in their fridge for ‘research purposes’ - Sasuke was convinced that this ‘research’ was not so much in the medical sense but rather in the ‘how hungry does Naruto have to be before he tries to eat this month old block of cheese’ sense. 

Sasuke felt like he didn’t really ask for much: there were laundry hampers for the express purpose of holding dirty clothes after all, it really wasn’t that difficult or time-consuming to walk those extra couple of feet to dump things in there instead of leaving them where anyone can just walk in and see them, and no that does  _ not  _ mean you just kick that pair of underwear under the couch you  _ animals _ . Sasuke did all the cooking (Naruto was essentially useless at anything other than boiling the kettle for water and anyone who had tried any of Sakura’s medicine knew never to let her near a stove), he did all the washing up after they had eaten (because Naruto left food on the plates  _ on purpose  _ because he didn’t want to ever have to do it again and Sakura always moaned about it too much and when she was in a bad mood she was unbearable), he did all of the laundry (Sakura had a habit of shrinking both his and Naruto’s clothes because she wanted to have an excuse to wear them herself, and there were just some things the moron could not be trusted with, Sasuke’s underwear being one of them), in fact when he thought about it Sasuke realised that he did practically all the housework and he was beginning to feel like a maid, or a house-wife. 

Which he wouldn’t find completely awful if he didn’t also have his day job (being a ninja was, in fact, a highly stressful occupation and he would quite like to kick back and relax after a long hard mission but  _ nope  _ Naruto left a plate of cookies on the floor all night and they now have a nest of ants living with them  _ again _ ), and if his partners showed a little appreciation for the things he does. Alas, the two barely seem to notice, and go on to ruin his freshly cleaned sheets with their disgusting bodily fluids and then have the audacity to ask him if he could make them a snack while they shower (which they also leave in a mess, honestly even if Sasuke were so inclined he wouldn’t leave his semen all over the house have some  _ dignity _ ). 

Honestly, sometimes Sasuke felt like his express purpose in this relationship was to clean up after the other two, and he didn’t only mean in the housekeeping sense: more often than not he was awoken by loud knocking on the door and opened it to have a growling Sakura thrown headfirst into his chest (she got into more barfights than anyone else Sasuke had ever met, although he was able to concede that a lot of the skeevy men who got punched through walls definitely deserved it; the girl who accidentally bumped into Ino and spilled her drink not-so-much), and he had lost count of the amount of times he’d had to make public, political apologies on behalf of Naruto because he was too hot-headed and yelled at important people without thinking first. Of course deep down he knew that the two cared for him in ways that weren’t the absent acknowledgement of a well-cleaned kitchen, they had chased after him for years after all and they didn’t do that because they vaguely enjoyed his company, it was just that more often than not he felt like the odd one out in their threeway shitstorm, and not just because of the sexual situations (or lack thereof). 

Naruto and Sakura had a bond between them that sometimes he felt he couldn’t compete with, a bond which he knew at least partly stemmed from their combined efforts and determination to bring him home - a realisation which really  _ didn’t help _ \-  and although he knew that there would always be a strange sort of tension resulting from his years of absence Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder if they all would have been better off if the two had stayed as just that. 

But then one of them did something so irrationally stupid and he realised that if these two idiots didn’t have him they’d have blown themselves up or worse a long time ago. Naruto he expected, the blonde wasn’t (affectionately) called ‘moron’ in his head for no reason, but he’d always seen Sakura as a relatively rational and intelligent human being who wouldn’t dare try something so inanely stupid as curling her hair with  _ plugged in  _ appliances whilst sitting in the bath. Supposedly it saves time, but Sasuke was quick to point out that she wouldn’t need time-saving activities if she was  _ dead _ . He’d removed all plugs from the bathroom that same day. 

It was a wonder that Sasuke’s already incredibly fragile mental health hadn’t crashed and burned by the time they’d all been together for a year, but he was actually quite proud of his self-control (yes he does have self-control  _ fuck you very much _ Kakashi) and that he hadn’t murdered either of his partners in their sleep, especially Naruto who stole the covers every night and wrapped them around himself like some fucked up version of a transforming caterpillar, leaving Sasuke and Sakura either huddled together for warmth or shivering on their respective sides of Naruto, sharing mutual glares over Naruto’s chest as he slept peacefully with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

In conclusion, living with people is  _ hard _ . The last time Sasuke had been involved in any form of domestic lifestyle was when he was seven years old, and thinking about those times left a painful ache in his chest so he tended to avoid any comparisons. Naruto, of course, had  _ never _ lived with anyone else, which either gave him the excuse for being the complete slob that he is, or made it a hundred times worse since one would think he would sacrifice some effort towards making sure they  _ stayed  _ living together. Whilst Sasuke was sure that he also had his faults, he was of the opinion that they couldn’t be any worse than those of Naruto and Sakura - at least he never left his hair in the sink after shaving, or left a dildo just  _ lying around _ (he actually wasn’t sure who that belonged to and was unsure as to which answer would leave him more mortified), or left splodges of mayonnaise randomly in the sink to congeal, or picked his toenails and shoved the shavings down the side of the sofa cushion for Sasuke to find a pile of every two weeks.

Or left used condoms in the bed for Sasuke to accidentally kick and need an immediate cleansing of both body and mind in order to not go on a rampaging murder spree. No he doesn’t have an anger problem, there just happens to be two particular people who manage to push every single one of his buttons and then coo at him about being cute when he’s mad (okay, Sakura doesn’t do that but Naruto does it enough for the both of them). Regardless there were some places where Sasuke drew a line, he could just about deal with the mess resulting from two uncaring (and admittedly busier than him) people, but there was no chance in hell that he was cleaning up after some furry beast. Which is why the day Naruto walked through the door with a bundle of black fur in his arms was the day Sasuke threw up his arms and prayed to any God that was possibly listening that the thing was  _ dead  _ and Naruto had brought it home to eat it.

“What the fuck is that.” It wasn’t a question, a question would imply that Sasuke was unaware of what the thing in Naruto’s arms was, when in fact he was  _ very  _ aware: it was the next bane of his existence. 

“It’s a cat.” Naruto blinked at him and moved closer, shoving the thing in his arms under Sasuke’s nose and beaming when the furry monster turned it’s head to meet Sasuke’s glare with an unblinking stare. He distantly heard Sakura start squealing about how cute this thing was, but Sasuke was having a staring contest  _ with a cat _ and although he felt ridiculous he knew his Uchiha pride would never allow him to lose to such an unworthy opponent. 

“What’s his name?” Sasuke flinched when Sakura’s voice became too close to ignore, and tore his gaze away from the cat to turn his glare on the pink-haired girl instead. His  _ name _ ?! The thing didn’t need a name because they weren’t keeping it. The thing didn’t need a name because they were never going to see it again. The thing didn’t need a name because Naruto was going to take it back to where he found it.  _ The thing didn’t need a name _ .

“We are not keeping it.” 

The thing was called Sai.

Because of course. 

 

* * *

 

Sai the cat obviously felt the need to live up to his namesake (and seriously fuck Kakashi for suggesting the name with the suggestion it would be 'cute' for _all_ of team seven to be together), and seemed to make it his lifetime goal to get murdered by Uchiha Sasuke. Only the thought of the heartbroken looks on Naruto and Sakura’s faces stopped him from taking drastic action, although he did make hissing noises at the stupid thing occasionally when the other two weren’t around. 

It sat on the kitchen counters, getting it’s grubby little paws all over the place where Sasuke prepared food. 

It clawed and scratched at the sofa even though Sakura bought a massive scratching post complete with a cat bed for it - which gathered dust as the stupid thing enjoyed sleeping on Sasuke’s feet instead, long claws attacking his toes if he dared to move them. 

It hid his socks, and  _ only  _ his socks. Sakura and Naruto had perfectly good, intact socks forever but Sasuke had to buy new ones every week because fucking Sai-the-cat liked to steal his and only bring them back when there was a dead mouse nestled inside. 

Perhaps most irritating of all, the thing seemed to enjoy cuddle-blocking him. One minute he was curled up under Naruto’s arm and the next minute there were deep scratches on his chest and a misleadingly purring cat taking his place at Naruto’s side, the blonde idiot grinning and giving all of his attention to the cat instead of  _ Sasuke dammit _ . He could be happily spooning with Sakura in one instant and then getting kicked harshly in the groin by a flailing limb when Sakura got sneak attacked by a flying, furry bundle of  _ evil _ . Not, of course, that he enjoyed cuddling in any way, but sometimes it was nice when he got to spend some time just feeling the closeness with his partners, and he knew it was something they both craved too: it had been a long time since either of them had tried to (gently, always gently) convince him into anything sexual with them, but they still needed a little love from him every now and then, which he would begrudgingly oblige them. 

There were some times when Sasuke could admit that the cat was an asset to have around. For one, Sasuke wasn’t the only one that got blocked around here, and when Sai-the-cat would jump on Naruto and Sakura when they were fucking at ass o’clock in the morning Sasuke couldn’t help but feel some gratitude towards the thing. 

When the cat would meow at them to feed it in the morning and managed to get Naruto out of bed without needing to coerce him with promises of cuddles and kisses if he moved his ass (or a glassful of water when Sasuke was feeling much less accommodating, although Sakura hated when he did that because the two boys inevitably ended up breaking something in their fight, not that anyone other than Sasuke ever cleaned that up). 

It was especially satisfying when the cat would trip Naruto up  _ all the time _ , a sight which was endlessly entertaining to Sasuke. If the blonde just happened to be walking in Sai-the-cat’s immediate vicinity, he could expect to have a pitch black tail curled around his legs and would always flail in panic as he fell that the feline demon would get crushed - were it Sasuke in that position he would have made damn sure the thing was under him when he fell, and would proclaim it an honest accident when it died as a result of it’s own assholeness (Sasuke had this all planned out, and was just waiting for the day). 

Sakura freaked out one day when it turned out that the cat had chewed on all her back-up bandages, and it was very satisfying to watch her give this tiny ball of black menace a stern lecture as disinterested eyes stared back at her, her face growing redder with every passing minute until she screamed in frustration and stormed off, which Sasuke found hilarious enough to chuckle at (Naruto had a different reaction and followed her to the bedroom, making her  _ ahem  _ scream a little more, meaning that Sasuke had to turn the sound on the TV up all the way and let Sai into the bedroom when he’d had enough and wanted to sleep - like he said, the thing did occasionally have it’s uses). 

One day, Naruto came home bearing another potential pet. Him and Sakura oohed and ahhed over the drooling bulldog, but Sasuke found company in the hissing cat backed into the corner, agreeing wholeheartedly with it that there was no way in hell that thing was staying with them, and this time he gave his partners an ultimatum: either he leaves or the dog leaves. 

He was a little insulted that they thought about it for so long, but as soon as he said that he would be taking Sai-the-cat with him a call to Kakashi was made and he was spared the nightmare of cleaning up after yet another furball.  

One night Sasuke heard Sakura whisper to Naruto that maybe they could go get ‘Shikamaru the dog’ back from Kakashi, and Sasuke actually made good on his threat and walked out of the house, startled cat nestled under one arm and his pillow under the other. Of course, he had nowhere else to go and just ended up wandering the streets for a while until he went back home, Sakura waiting at the door for him with a sweet kiss and an apologetic hug, and Naruto tackling him angrily to the ground, growling at him that he couldn’t ever actually leave them and sticking his tongue down Sasuke’s throat (and immediately taking it back when he gained some nice tooth-shaped gouges).

It was nice to know, really, that no matter what they were all still the same people they had always been. 

And perhaps he was being unfair towards the cat - it was nowhere near as bad as the real Sai, even if it did take a shit in Sasuke’s favourite pair of armbands.  

**Author's Note:**

> Come Together was never supposed to be added to and then this flew out of my head WHY  
> Come see me if you wanna http://fallenstar18.tumblr.com/


End file.
